Wizard Wheezes 'Noise Autotype Gramophone'
by Tom Kristal
Summary: Post DH – After a long night, Fleur and Hermione discover together with an unexpected intruder that sometimes: ignorance is bliss.  HP/GW R/HG FD/BW
1. Chapter I

**Wizard Wheezes 'Noise-Autotype-Gramophone' (N.A.G.)**

_By Tom Kristal

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_

**Standard Disclaimer: **All creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s) and are in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. The author of the following FanFiction does not in any way profit from the story and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only. Associated names, characters, places, items, and descriptions used in the following FanFiction are the copyrights and/or trademarks of the rightful owners. Rights to characters and their settings is neither claimed nor implied.

**Plot Summary: **(Post DH) After a long night, Fleur and Hermione discover together with an unexpected intruder that sometimes: ignorance is bliss. [HP/GW R/HG FD/BW]

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**Wizard Wheezes 'Noise-Autotype-Gramophone' (N.A.G.)**

**_Outskirts of Tinsworth, Cornwall_**

_Some ungodly time in the morning, 4th March, 2002_

Along the rugged coastline of Cornwell, the constant ebb and flow of the sea could be heard as the water rhythmically crashed upon the cliff nearby. On top of this cliff, with its walls embedded with shells and sandstone, stood the serene homestead of Bill and Fleur Weasley: Shell Cottage.

The cottage itself was on the outskirts of an old Wizarding community that was rumored to be the birthplace of the legendary muggle king, King Arthur. The ruins of Tintagel Castle, the original home of said king, was said to be only a small distance away. Knowing this, Shell Cottage was unique in its ordinance amongst the Wizarding community.

Unlike other such magical buildings that often needed magic to help stabilize their sub-standard construction, Shell cottage was sturdy as well as cozy in its design. Surrounded by sand and mismatched gardens, the tiny cottage had a steep thatched roof that was almost cathedral-like in appearance. The brown brickwork was made from the local quarry of the area, appearing uneven and jaded. Even with its two thin chimneys that protruded on either side of the structure, it appears to slant slightly. The cathedral-like roof however, took advantage of its view and had several French windows that opened up its tiny interior with light and the smell of the Tazman Sea. It was a cozy house indeed; perfect for a young couple preparing to start a new family.

Yet ironically, it was not for this reason that the once newly married couple bought this house. Nor was this cottage (which they now loved) ever their first choice. Bought during the height of the second 'Pure-Blood-War', its location and function held a more strategic purpose for the poor couple. Safeguarded with a myriad of well placed wards and various protections, its location was heavily guarded for two main purposes. Purpose one, for most obvious reasons, was as a safe haven for various members and allies of the Order of the Phoenix. Considering the infiltration of past safe houses such as GrimmauldPlace and Hogwarts, Shell cottage was considered the least well known location amongst the Death Eaters, and was therefore deemed the most secure site possible. Acting a refuge, it was important to remain as inconspicuous as possible. And with its ordinary (by wizard standards) construction and by maintaining a low profile, it did exactly what was intended. It was an unfortunate strain on the young couple, considering the constant horrors that seemed to permeate through the walls from the outside world, but in the end the couple held through during those terrible times and now they grew to love their home.

Its second lesser known reason was one of desperation. Although technically positioned on the opposite side of the island, the location of Cornwall was still within reach to the borders of France by water. Having insider knowledge of Britain's magical borders, it was secretly discovered that the Ministry, by an act of negligence, failed to reinforce the wards that incidentally entrapped the whole of magical Britain. Coincidentally, one such minuscule gap lay along the coastline of Cornwall. It was agreed on by several Order members that if worse came to worse; this would be their point of escape. If the hopeless rebellion against Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters became too great, the remainder of the Order and whoever they could find would escape Britain inside a magical boat once hidden near their home at the base of their cliff. Fleur, being the daughter of an influential French bureaucrat, would ensure the safe immigration of whoever chose to leave their homes, and act as the final stop to freedom. It was a horrible thought that still, even today, sent shivers through Fleur Weasley's spine whenever she thought on the subject.

Considering this, it was a great relief for one Fleur Weasley on this particular night, as her sister-in-law's (Ginny Weasley, soon to be Potter) Hens Party was soon drawing to a close. With all the men away to celebrate in their own fashion, Fleur was delighted to have a much needed girls' night in. Not that she didn't love her Bill or the other Weasley compatriots. She was quite content with her brave and handsome Bill, thank you very much. But sometimes, six boys were simply too much to handle. And with little Victoire finally passing those terrible two's, the need for more female companionship was ever present in her mind.

By all accounts, the party was a smashing hit, by British standards at least. Although Fleur was by no accounts a snob, being once accustomed to the French customs of celebration, she couldn't help but wince at the remains of the enjoyable chaos that surrounded her. Looking around, she should not have been surprised at all at the unexpected randiness of the group comprised of herself, Ginny, Molly, Andromeda, Hermione, the other Weasley spouses, her now teenaged Gabrielle, numerous other female friends, and the majority of the Holyhead Harpies Quidditch team. Likely it was exacerbated by the large quantities of Wizarding drinks, champagne bottles, and chocolate wrappings which now lay scattered and empty on her pure white carpeting (thank heavens for spot removal charms). And to think it all started all so well...

It seemed from the moment the champagne touched the lips of the seemingly innocent group in toast to honor the future bride-to-be on her catch, the seemingly simple cocktail / slumber party quickly turned into something only adequately described as 'an evening of debauchery'.

Hermione attempted at first to entertain the group with a list of activities that she apparently borrowed from a muggle book about such occasions. I hindsight, it goes to show how much at times how incompatible muggle and Wizarding traditions are when the group started off with the 'Purse' game. The Purse game itself was relatively simple... at first glance... The goal of the game was for every member to empty their purse and reward the girl with the wackiest purse contents. Little did everyone realize, that magical expansion charms had become quite popular over the past few years, which ensured that no self respecting witch would ever be without that much needed mascara or tissue in dire times of need. Or anything else in fact. So what originally started out as a simple icebreaker began to cover the contents of Fleur's living room floor with objects ranging from the superfluous to downright bizarre. Even Hermione herself was guilty of this oversight as she pulled out enough books to start a small library, two rolls of toilet paper, a packet of raspberry flavored lips gloss, a Wizarding tent, as well as a magical portrait from her seemingly innocuous purse.

After calling that particular game off, Angelina suggested the simple drinking game 'I Never', which was when things started to go crazy. A group member would ask in turn to confess an 'I Never' to the group, which only if the others had failed these parameters would they be obligated to drink. Soon each confession became more and more outrageous as the alcohol began to flow, and it soon deteriorated into shocking discoveries, gasps, and of course, more drinking. Who knew her mother-in-law had been the reckless wild-child in her youth; shudder to think, considering recent years. She was half afraid to confess to Bill that his mother of assuming high moral caliber had birthed him three months out of wedlock.

As the bottles kept on rolling, most decided joyfully to party how they partied best: into unconsciousness. And after a while, that's exactly what they did.

Thankfully no male strippers were involved, but the same couldn't be said for the drunken debauchery. Prying Gabrielle away from her wand posing as a microphone while trying to sing the lyrics to 'La Vie en Rose' had been one highlight. Though, seeing Gwenog Jones, Ginny's Quidditch team captain, trying to make the moves on the unassuming Andromeda Tonks was a sight to behold as well. Overall, being the only mostly sober one there minus Hermione (who was co-hosting the party), it was a challenge within itself to keep them all confined to the boundaries of the cottage in order to avoid them from causing too much destruction elsewhere. Fortunately, the multitude of incriminating photos would suffice as blackmail material for years to come.

By and large, Fleur took everything in good humor. After all, since the main idea of this party was to give the bride-to-be a good time, it was all worth the trouble in the end. And to be honest, she was flattered and relieved when she and Hermione were both offered to co-host this night. Even though she was now remarkably closer to the Weasley matriarch these days, there had always been a hint of tension between the youngest female Weasley and herself. Although she knew nowadays that Molly had accepted her (or at least accepted that she gave birth to her first grandchild) Ginny had never seemed to completely warn up to her, even with Harry's encouragement. Being offered to co-host was a jubilant conformation that she was truly accepted as a close part of the family. Or simply had an adequate location to get drunk. Close enough.

By the end of the night only herself and Hermione were sober enough to assist in the cleanup that followed. Covering up the last drunken girl in conjured blankets, she took a look around her once pristine home. Surrounding them was a disarray of legs and open arms that were poking haphazardly along the floor from the numerous magical beds floating about. Whilst settling in her 'guests', Hermione assisted where she could, casting a Scourgify charm wherever she could see to remove the confetti and liquor from floor, walls, and her Venetian curtains.

As per usual, Hermione was prattling on about some vague piece of information she learned about recently, while Fleur was noncommittally listening in. "…Though the practice of giving a party to honor the bride-to-be goes back for centuries, in its modern form, the _Bachelorette_ party was still pretty uncommon until at least the mid-1980s…"

"Uh-hum," Fleur replied absentmindedly, whilst she vanished the last considerable pile of rubbish away.

"Oh yes," she continued, "even the term 'Hen-Party', notably the wording of 'Hen' has its humble beginnings."

"Uh-hum."

"Well, I read somewhere that 'Hen' originates from a henna plant which was used during wedding traditions in many parts of the ancient world; notably Africa, parts of China and the Middle East."

"Really?" she mumbled distractedly. _God help me_, she thought. It was not as if she didn't like the bushy haired woman that was currently helping her. Quite to the contrary, compared to most of her husband's side of the family, she felt that she got on well with Hermione. Hermione at least could speak a touch of French. Plus, being one of the only outsider females informally adopted by the Weasley matriarch (even without nuptials), it was often comforting to have someone else there to exchange woes and concerns with. But then again, it was too early in the morning to be reciting some ancient muggle novel. Even if perhaps it would have been interesting to know later that morning when fatigue and weariness wasn't plaguing her mind...

"And that's not all," Hermione continued, unaware of the detrimental effect her words where having on Fleur's nerves. After all it was fascinating. "In these traditions, henna tattoos are applied to the bride's hands on the night before the wedding to protect and purify her from the 'evil eye' or agents of evil, apparently."

"Demons?" Fleur asked, seemingly interested.

"That and dirty old men most likely."

"Or dirty young men."

They both looked at one another in silent reverie and giggled.

Little did the giggling pair know was that their long night had just suddenly just turned longer.

**_To be continued…_**

**Author's Notes: **Hi all. Welcome to another story written by… well… me. I started this story several months ago at 3 o'clock in the morning, trying to pass the time before my night-shift ended. I completed perhaps 90% of this story in a darkened room with a handheld PDA. What people do to keep themselves amused. Never the less, the story is finally finished.

Special consideration and thanks to _''_Nytd_'_ who has taken the time to Beta this story for me – to make up for my deplorable grammar skills. Trust me, it is bad.

I did allot of research into this story. Simple things like the description of 'Shell Cottage' is from the movie; Tintagel Castle does actually does exist as does the legends of King Author; Hermione's little diatribe about the history and culture of a 'Hen's Night' comes almost directly from Wikipedia; I researched potential party games for the occasion; I even Googled England so I could find out where Cornwell was in distance to France. It was very pedantic.

Regardless, I hope you enjoy the future chapters. Please review.


	2. Chapter II

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.)**

_By Tom Kristal

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_

**Standard Disclaimer: **See Chapter 1.

**Plot Summary:** Post DH – After a long night, Fleur and Hermione discover together with an unexpected intruder that sometimes: ignorance is bliss. [HP/GW R/HG FD/BW]

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**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.): **Chapter II

_Little did the giggling pair know was that their long night had just suddenly just turned longer._

In the midst of the lingering darkness outside, a loud and audible crack permeated through the air. The unusual sound that first banged like a sudden whip and then suddenly stopped, was only magnified by the crashing waves around the cottage that added eeriness to the unexpected occurrence. Stranger still, most visitors who knew the young couple knew only too well that the adorable Victoire was incredibly sensitive to loud and sudden noises, which were only amplified by the echoing cliffs nearby and the crashing waves. It was therefore advised for all to _apparate _far from the cottage itself.

Yet someone hadn't.

Someone had unexpectedly arrived at Shell Cottage.

The two looked at each other in ominous silence and quickly withdrew their wands. Although the two young witches were not wary of a fight, it reminded them of a time not too long ago of sudden disturbances in the night and the constant ebb of fear that surrounded those horrid times.

With another loud clattering sound which sounded suspiciously like the side-gate opening and closing, the pattering feet of a solitary man were heard loudly mumbling and grumbling to themselves. Louder and louder the unknown person reached nearer and nearer to their doorway. In silent communication, the two witches covered one another in symphony and approached the front door. Their wands held tightly in both their hands were in open display to ward off the suspected menace or raving lunatic trampling on their lawn this time of morning.

Hermione approached the door first, peering through the eyehole to inspect for intruders.

"It's too dark," she whispered.

With the adrenaline already pumping through their veins, any signs of intoxication or fatigue were immediately washed away as they prepared themselves. Their hearts were thumping as loudly as the intruders loud banging outside (or so they thought); their hands were wet and clammy with perspiration. Phantom pains shot up in Hermione's right arm where the word 'Mudblood' was permanently branded on her otherwise unblemished body.

Fleur made a communicable nod and, with a gesture of affirmation, Hermione quietly stepped back from the door, her wand still pointed directly in front of her as she reached for the handle. Fleur, on the opposite side of the door, stood to the right for cover and waited for the right moment.

And waited.

And waited.

It seemed seconds stretched for hours as the two waited diligently by the door, hoping for the best but always expecting the worst. Finally, after the long wait, the creaking sound of the front-porch floorboards sounded. It's soft creak amongst the silence was almost deafening to their ears.

With the sound of their heartbeats echoing in their ears, they knew that friend or foe, now was the time to act.

"Now!" Fleur cried; Hermione instantly yanked opened the door and the two pushed forward with their wands casting blindly at the unknown intruder.

With a loud oomph and a thump, the assailant crumpled to the ground in a dead heap, its appearance, still shadowed by the absent porch light. Slowly their eyes adjusted and they looked down to see the crumbled form below them. Unfortunately, readjusting to the light from inside the cottage to the pitch black from the outside had temporally blinded them. For those few seconds of terror, they almost expected the seemingly disarmed assailant to attack them without warning in their unexpected moment of weakness. But that moment never came, and slowly the two slowly adjusted to the light to see whose fate had they crossed on this particular night.

**_To be continued…_**

**Author's Notes: **Don't you just love cliff hangers? Because personally, I hate them! Merry Christmas everyone! Do you know what I want from Santa this year? A Review. Several if possible.


	3. Chapter III

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.)**

_By Tom Kristal

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_

**Standard Disclaimer: **See Chapter 1.

**Plot Summary:** Post DH – After a long night, Fleur and Hermione discover together with an unexpected intruder that sometimes: ignorance is bliss. [HP/GW R/HG FD/BW]

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.): **Chapter III

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_But that moment never came and slowly the two slowly adjusted to the light to see whose fate had they crossed on this particular night…_

Much to their relief the man (assumed by his large build and unruly clothes) lay crumbled, disarmed, gagged and tied up with ropes on the small porch. The man seemed to completely reek of alcohol as its smell traveled towards Fleur's petite nose. Her nostrils reaction to the smell shuddered her insides with revulsion. A small bottle of half empty booze lay to the side on the porch still clasped in the thin fingers of the man's bound hands. Looking around there wasn't even a wand insight.

Taking a closer look… he was obviously a wizard by the bright maroon robes he wore on his tall gangling body. His big hands and feet were overly extenuated by the way his arms and legs were holding him back (via the ropes) into a near fetal position. And if you look just a little closer you could almost see the profile of his face with his large nose, reddish hair bright blue eyes and a hint of freckles along his cheeks.

Before she had a chance to recognise him, Hermione cried out in surprise.

"RONALD!"

And indeed it was none other than _Ronald Bilius_ _Weasley_ that was spawned out on the porch in front of him.

"...What are you doing here? RONALD!"

But there was no response. Instead a loud gurgling sound erupted from the bound mouth of Ron's gagged throat that could only be identified as snoring. In an instant, Hermione waved her wand at him and the majority of the bond ropes that secured him to the porch instantly vanished, leaving him still limp and unconscious before then. Now only a light band wrapped around his wrist and ankles.

He kept snoring.

For whatever reason, perhaps out of annoyance, or perhaps out of anger at scaring them half-to-death in the middle of the morning only to find her brother-in-law unconscious and drunk on her porch. She decided to kick him... Hard.

"FLEUR!" Hermione exclaimed.

"W'at? I vas trying to wake 'im" she replied nonchalantly decidedly not caring what she thought. Regardless, the lump that was before her kept snoring away unaware of the two irate witches before him. "You can't kick him" Hermione rasped back darkly. She looked back down at him. "I'm his girlfriend. That's my job." And before she had a chance to blink Hermione swiftly gave Ron another swift kick.

Within an instant oomph, Ron's eyes pried awake in apparent shock and tried in his inebriated state to crawl into a sitting position. Hermione leaned down slowly on her knees to rouse him awake.

"Ronald. Ron. Are you ok..? What are you doing here so early..? Is everyone ok..?" Hermione spluttered in obvious concern for her boyfriend.

In a daze, Ron looked up at her, still on the ground with unfocused eyes.

"You've got frizzy hair" he said as if speaking to a two-year-old, "I like frizzy hair. My girlfriend has got frizzy hair you know?" he shakes his head "…have you two twins seen her around perhaps... She's really smart you know..." Even in the darkness you could still see Hermione flush in satisfaction.

"E eez drunk" Fleur announced demurely still annoyed by his unexpected and once terrified intrusion to her home.

Taken aback by the second voice Ron looks up to see the annoyed posture of Fleur Delacour standing beside him. Within an instant his eyes shut open and glaze up with awe. A silly smile begins to spread across his face. "Hey beautiful..." he stutters.

"Ron" Hermione interjects looking horrified but he continues. "Do… you know that I… own a Quidditch team..? I'm their captain and… keeper" he blatantly lies, his voice stammering in obvious adornment. Fleur and Hermione look at each other in horrified bewilderment. Obviously the alcohol combined with Fleur's Veela charms don't work to well, even on a mostly immune mind. "I'm… even friends with that Harry Potter bloke… If you want me to put in a good word in… even if he is a traitorous-SCUMBAG!" he says yelling that last statement out for the entire world to hear.

"Ronald your drunk! What have I told you about _apparating _while your drunk?" slowly with much hesitance, he forces his head towards Hermione's direction.

"You even 'sound' like Hermione" he exclaims in wonder looking astonished and gleeful despite his bound position. With both his hands still bound, he slowly reaches up towards the kneeling Hermione and lightly touches her on the nose. "You even 'feel' like her" he says in amusement. Slowly but not quite subtly, he begins to trail his hands down across her face and down her neck reaching further and further. A flushing Hermione finally stops him, after his ministrations began to linger around her middle section and began to squeeze. For added measure she lightly slaps him on the face.

"WHAT? I'm only checking" he cried as if he was a spoiled child being denied sweets. Grabbing his bound hands tightly she looks him down steadily their eyes only inches apart.

"Focus Ronald. Now what did I say about apparating."

With an obvious sigh he mumbled. "That it's dangerous and irresponsible" he answers back in a monotone, as if he had this conversation many times before.

"Close enough" Hermione instantly smiles relieved that this was indeed her Ron, however disheveled his state may be.

_Silly girls in love,_ Fleur thought to herself still annoyed at his sudden and unexpected appearance. This was a girls only party after all.

"Ron you're bleeding!"

At closer inspection you could quickly see despite the bellowing darkness the numerous small bruises and cuts and a small patch of blood that seemed to originate along the front of Ron's robes. Hermione's hands appeared to be covered in it.

Hermione in her panic was not to gently patting him down in inspection, receiving occasional grunts as she passed her hands over his tender body. "What have you done to yourself? Have you splinched yourself again Ronald? Of all the irresponsible things..." She berated him as she continued to pat him down for damage.

"Now do know which part of you are you missing?"

"My dignity" he mumbled cheekfully barely coherently.

"You lost zat ages ago" Fleur interjects ignoring the dark look from Hermione.

"Fleur, help me bring him inside" she asks pleadingly, desperation and tears filling her eyes. Fleur looks back incredulous. _Who does she think she is_ she thinks to herself, _cold and heartless... Well sometimes… maybe_.

With a casual nod of agreement, Hermione quickly vanishes his remaining binds with a quick flick and starts unsuccessfully to try to single handedly manhandle him up from the ground (to the bemusement of Ron). Still struggling to pick up an inebriated and potentially injured Ron up she looks over to Fleur who was still doing nothing.

"What aren't you helping?"

"Eermione" she asks in bemusement "Are you a witch or not?" Fleur waves her wand at her inebriated brother-in-law and with a swish and a flick begins to levitate him inside. Hermione, feeling a little embarrassed at her oversight quickly follows behind, the door quietly closing behind her.

"W'ere shall we put 'im?" fleur enquired still levitating the barley conscious body before him. "On the living-room lounge. Quickly!" she hurriedly replies. "We need to get some blood replenishing potion in him. Maybe some healing charms I know…"

At that moment, Ron in his levitated state made a loud belch that seemed to almost permeate off the walls. They two females look at each other, Hermione in embarrassment Fleur in disgust.

"Maybe sobering potion could come in 'andy too, no?" Fleur asks.

"Do you have any sobering potions?" Hermione asks still looking concerned.

"Well I do 'ave a small batch for ze rest in the girls... But I suppose it eez an emergency…" she paused looking down at the still floating form of Ronald Weasley. If this is the state he was left in, what could have possibly happened? And what happened to the rest of them. Harry? Her Husband? Bile began to rise to her throat as sudden annoyance went away and panic began to overwhelm her. Something terrible had just happened and she needed answers. "I 'ink a double dose might do." And besides, after scaring the two of us so bad, I think we deserve to find why he decided to break house rules and gate-crash our girl's night.

With a decisive nod they both maneuvered Ron into the living room. The one room in the house not completely strewn with unconscious girl's or rubbish left and right. It was a small room that consisted only of a small rounded table, an old oak cabinet with brass fittings and small glass figurines on the inside and a average sized, red two-seater lounge that sat comfortably on the adjacent wall.

With another flick, Ron was slowly lowered onto the fine leather couch, a slither of drool slipping from the side of his mouth and dropping onto the floor. Hermione looked across pleadingly as if trying to convince Fleur with her eyes that her boyfriend wasn't always like this.

She wished she could believe her. She really did.

Ignoring the awkward moment they both looked down at the lump on the lounge. Seeing him in the full light, you could truly asses the full damage that was done.

He had a large bruise on his left jaw that seemed to be getting only purpler by the minute. His hair looked a little ruffled and his clothes were shaggy with alcohol and red stains covering them that could only be attributed to blood. He had a few small scratches along his neck and up his right arm that had already began to clot up. Overall it was all very superficial in nature. Nothing a few _episkies_ couldn't help cure.

Stepping back, Fleur made a quick trip to the kitchen and grabbed the first vile of sobering potion she saw. The sooner this whole mess is cleared out the better she thought with more than a tinge of worry over the unknown condition of her husband. Returning with the bright blue potion, she gave the small vile filled with what looked like blue vomit to Hermione whom was crawled beside Ron on the lounge, trying to shake him awake. Looking at Ron she saw a remarkable difference. Although still rather unkempt in appearance thanks to Hermione's magic, it was a marked improvement from the bloody pulp that was in here before. His jaw was now less swollen and the majority of his other cuts and bruises were visibly diminishing by the minute. The patches of blood and alcohol on his robes were no longer there and now strangely smelling on 'pine-fresh'. At the sight of the vile Hermione grabbed it and tried to give it to Ron with much hesitance.

'Mum… I don't wanna go to school today..." Ron mumbled, his nose scrunched and mouth closed tight.

"Ron enough of this... Take the potion Ronald... Oh for bloody sake!" she spat out not realizing the profanity that left her mouth.

"Hermione" he stammered bleary eyed, shying himself clear away from the vile potion. "This is an emergency. My sister. My sweet and innocent sister."

Fleur snorted in contrast.

"…Has been desecrated. Her honor is at state." He completed this tirade by trying to sit up from his crouched position on the couch almost toppling over Hermione in the process.

_For _**_Foutre_**_sake!_

Fleur, finally at the end of her patience promptly pushed Ron back on the couch and without so much as a moment notice poured the potion out of vile and down his throat. As an added bonus she sadistically covered his mouth to avoid him spitting and pinched his nose to force him to swallow. Hermione in shock could only look in shock as Ron's face slowly began to turn purple until finally he gave in and swallowed the potion. Smug, Fleur leaned back and waited for the potion to take effect. "Just needed ze right touch" she replied to Hermione her mouth agape at how promptly Fleur took over the situation.

The funny thing about the sobering potion was that it was not technically a sobering potion. Although its contents did abruptly end the effects of inebriation such as bringing back the recipients awareness back to normal and help evacuate the remaining toxicity from the bloodstream; it was the manner of evacuation that made it unusual. Instead of simply erasing the alcohol from the body like most would probably have assumed, the potion instead helps accelerate the kidneys and the immune system. Added to that, the potion acted as a form of replenishing potion revitalizing fluids into the body to avoid dehydration that amounted to people receiving a hangover. Taking only minutes to settle in, it had one unusual result that tendent to leave the recipient of the potion suddenly needing to…

"I've got to pee" Ron spoke rather suddenly, with sudden clarity and conviction that he hadn't had only moments before. The two watched in amusement as Ron unceremoniously sprinted from his prone position and towards the bathroom. Ignoring the dignitaries of closing the door behind him Fleur and Hermione both cringed in disgust as Ron began to groan and moan as he relieved himself of his remaining alcohol. Oddly enough, this particular batch of hang over potion had also the added quirk of…

"WHAT THE! My 'pee' is blue!" he shouted.

Hermione groaned in embarrassment. Fleur face similarly flushed in mortification. Gabriel as of the rest of the girls kept snoring. _Never mind_ she thought in her own diatribe.

A few minutes later, a far more sober and somewhat humbler (though by far still straggly) Ron stumbled into the room, his eyes looking slightly bloodshot and smelling or alcohol again but clearly sober.

Still looking a little shaky and not apparently aware of his surroundings he noisily tripped over a coffee table and Angelina before unceremoniously slumping on the couch between herself and Hermione.

"Ron, whatever happened you..." Hermione asked between disgusted sniffs at his now sober state, noting the disguising fumes of alcohol permeating through his robes. "And look at you. You look like a train wreck." Hermione quickly swished her wand muttering a _scourtify_. Slowly Ron's clothes became a little cleaner once and the effects of the fumes lessoned. Fleur for her part added to Hermione's spell work by charming him temporarily to smell like roses.

Ron remained silent.

"Well Ronald" Fleur asked impatiently. "Why is eet you rudely storm into my 'ouse at this untimely 'our smelling like… like…"

"Roses" he tried to cut short with humor to no avail.

"…Don't tell me zat my Bill is not in a similar state."

_Il vaut mieux ne pas être!_

Hermione seemed to grunt approvingly at Fleur's reprimand but otherwise remained silent for her boyfriend to enter the conversation. Instead he only just sat there looking dazed, perhaps a little scared. His hands were literally shaking as he tried to steady them.

"I think Harry is going to kill me" Ron morosely said putting his head between his heads, cradling his hands over his head as is to cocoon himself. "No correction. Harry will just be mad. Ginny will be the one to kill me" he continued to mumble between his lap. "…Or mum. Whoever is closer to a wand really."

"I'll be killing you soon if I don't get any answers" Fleur replied feeling frustrated and angry at this situation.

"Fleur!" Hermione replied but she was too angry to listen. All she wanted was a nice night together with the girls. No boys allowed. And now here she was. Tired, unfortunately sober, petrified for her husband and trying to console her blubbering brother-in-law and her bewildered potential sister-in-law over why he decided to scare the crap out of them this time in the morning. And she recently had her underage and drunken sister confess her undying love to a chandelier.

"_De saloperie __les carottes sont cuites_. Non Eermione, it is time zis boy gave us some answers…"

_**To be continued…**_

**Authors Notes: **Just so you know about Fleur's speech, I know it may look annoying but I put great efforts to make it as genuine to cannon as possible. I used J.K. Rowling's own books to find out exactly how she speaks in the books. I found and practically copied what she did, so if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at her.

_This chapter has not been BETA'd._

**French Translation: **

_**Il vaut mieux ne pas être:**_ It better not be

_**De saloperie:**_ Bullsh*t

_**Les carottes sont cuites**__ (lit: the carrots are cooked)__**:**_ I've had it/that's enough

The Sobering potion was my idea. I figured it would be funny to have some side-effects involved.

Please review.


	4. Chapter IV

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.)**

_By Tom Kristal

* * *

_

**Standard Disclaimer: **See Chapter 1.

**Plot Summary:** Post DH – After a long night, Fleur and Hermione discover together with an unexpected intruder that sometimes: ignorance is bliss. [HP/GW R/HG FD/BW]

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.): **Chapter IV

* * *

"_De saloperie __les carottes sont cuites__. Non Eermione, it is time zis boy gave us some answers…"_

Ron shifted in his seat.

"Can't say anything I'm afraid" Ron hesitantly replied whilst trying to leaver himself off the lounge with no success. Both Fleur and Hermione were tightly grasping his arms down practically trapping him between the two females. "I'm rather too intoxicated… or was rather too intoxicated to remember see". He tried even harder to move but their grasp of him was surprisingly strong.

"Ronald" Hermione spoke between her teeth. "We both know you know something. I can always tell when your fib… Ron for Merlin's sake, keep still!"

Ron slowly stopped struggling.

"Ron" Fleur asked as calmly as she could. "Zis eez most important. You arrive at my 'ouse in the middle of the nig't. With no warning and covered in blood. I theenk we deserve to know w'at has 'appened. To you and everyone else."

"No one is hurt. As far as I know anyway" he tried to placate but to no avail.

"Ronald…"

"Fine..! Well… the thing is" he starts hesitantly interrupting the bickering women. He stops as if having another thought. "You're all going to laugh when you hear this one" he says still rambling. "I swear it was an honest mistake really... None of my business... Something by all rights as a concerned brother is within his rights to do, might I add… Should be defending my sister's honor right about now… Have it a hundred years ago, he could have been challenged to a dual... No, wait. That wouldn't work. Harry would kick my arse in a dual… How about a chess game..? Yes. A chess game to the death… You could transfigure some chess pieces Hermione like that time in first year and..."

"Get on with the story!" both Fleur and Hermione barked out, startling Ron out of his ramblings.

"Oh! I'm rambling… Right. Oh… Well… You see, here's the funny thing. Ha! Ha! And all... Well a few days ago… We. Being George and I, sort of decided to kind of… Ummm… Get some blackmail material on good-old Harry see. Find something interesting that I could use for the best man's speech. And then me and George got us thinking that..."

"Wait a second" Hermione interrupted. "The 'best' man's speech?"

"Ummm…" he replied uncertainly.

"The best man speech that you told me, two weeks ago that you had finished."

"Well…"

"How much Ronald? How much have you really completed?"

"Well… It's more of a progressing draft at the moment."

"A draft Ronald. A draft! After three months of reminding you..."

"You mean three months of constantly nagging me '_Ronald have you done the best man speech'; 'Ronald has the best man speech been done'; 'Ronald take out the garbage, then work on that best man's speech for Harry'_. For Merlin's sake woman! You'd think we're still in Hogwarts."

"Well some people have obviously not progressed from adolescence yet."

"What! You calling me stupid now?"

"No. I'm calling you lazy, irresponsible and apparently unable to write a handful of words together for our best friend's Wedding."

"It's only a small speech Hermione. At best I can whim it."

"Whim it?" she berated slowly between her teeth. "Whim it! If you were just going to 'whim' it like you had originally planned, I would have just written the speech for you myself."

"Oh, yes. That would be a 'riveting' speech" Ron barked back mockingly. "Twenty pages of big words I can't pronounce. In small writing" he shouted. "front and back!"

"That's preposterous."

"See! Big words. They would all be asleep by the twenty minute mark."

"What. You're saying I can't write a speech."

"No, I'm saying you can't write a funny one."

"So I'm not funny now."

"You wouldn't know what's funny is if they wrote it in a dictionary somewhere and tattooed it on you're…"

"Ronald!"

"See! That's my point. If you really had a sense of humor you would have let me finish that sentence…"

"Assez! Enough! The both of you!" Fleur shouted, sick of hearing their perverted version of a lovers quarrel. "You were saying Ronald about finding some speec' material?"

"Oh… Yes" he said hesitantly as if reminiscing. "As I was saying before I was so 'rudely' interrupted…"

Hermione only scowled back at him.

"Me and George got to thinking what better time was there to get some future blackmail material from Harrykins then at his own bachelor party."

"Harrykins?"

"George's words. Not mine".

"…And its George and I" Hermione muttered under her breath.

"So the plan was to simply get Harry drunk enough and record everything he says. Listen to it a bit. Then make get some ideas for the wedding. Maybe grab some blackmail material against my future brother in law."

"But Harry doesn't drink" Hermione interrupted.

"Minor details Hermione. And besides. Being the apparent puritan that Harrykins… I mean Harry is. It shouldn't really take all that much to loosen Harry's inhibitions just a little…"

"Eev you could manage to get Arry drunk zat is" Fleur incurred.

"A difficult task, true. But not impossible. With a little finesse, a little cunning and a little odorless-tasteless-twenty-percent pure alcohol spiked into his Butterbeer however…"

"Ronald!" both Hermione and Fleur cried simultaneously.

"...And he was singing like a trooper" he finished. "Funny thing though" Ron shrugged to himself, ignoring the incredulous looks of the two women glaring at him. "…For a wizard who's supposing made of tougher stuff, that man sure can't take his liquor. I mean it was only two drinks… Maybe two and a half…" Shaking himself out of his musings he looked up to notice his glaring audience.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"How could you?" Hermione berated.

"To your best friend and future brother-in-law" Fleur continued

"Despicable!" they both intoned.

"Hey! Don't treat me like I'm the bad guy here. As a responsible and concerned brother, I have the right to know whether he has the best of intentions towards my sister."

"He's getting married to her next week you twit!" Hermione spat. "Not to mention he's been your best friend for the past decade!"

"Well it doesn't hurt to be thorough" he snapped back with an unexpected shiver. "…And just as well might I add. I don't think I want that floozy five-feet from my sister. I'm having nightmares as it is."

"Don't be so melodramatic" Fleur berated, sick and tired of his constant rambling.

"Well if you don't believe me, listen for yourself then!" he snapped, shuffling in his side pocket and pulling out a strange small rectangular device with a spinning disk rotating inside it.

"Is that what I think it is?" Hermione asked.

"Yep. This ladies, is newest invention Wizard Wheezes 'Noise-Autotype-Gramophone'. It's our first working prototype that will be coming out during the Winter break… Great for students or ministry workers wanting to enjoy a nap during boring lecture or meeting without having to unfortunate side effect of being caught out not listening in."

Looking closely she could tell it was of similar make to a muggle cassette recorder. With the exception of looking like a metal brick stuck together in spello-tape, it showed a glass panel with a spinning green spinning disk inside. There was an array of different colored butters on the top with intricate carvings written on their base. Along the side there was a small miniaturized horn with delicate carvings. Its odd, flower-like mould was spinning around constantly on its axis like a radar. Fleur was begrudgingly impressed with its design of converting such a muggle device into the magical realm. Even though it still appeared to need refining, it was never the less and impressive magical product. She had to grudgingly admit, however twisted her brothers-in-law were sometimes, she couldn't ignore the fact that they were clever.

Hermionie instead laughed.

"You named your it NAG!"

"Noise-Autotype-Gramophone. Now how do you turn..? Oh yeah... You have to press the triangle button…" he said while fiddling with the device, now pressing a small yellow button on its top. Immediately, a crackling sound began to emanate from the small device and a loud feminine voice was herd.

_»«»«»«»_** [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Whim it! If you were just going to 'whim' it like you had originally planned, I would have just written the speech for you myself."_

_»«»«»«»_** [PAUSE]**_ «»«»«»«_

"Do I 'really' sound that annoying?" Hermione enquired instantly recognizing her own voice.

"Oops..! I got to rewind the thing" Ron cut in intentionally not answering the question to Fleur's everlasting relief. With the press of a few more buttons the device was turned on once again and the more expected sounds of laughter and pub music filled into the room.

"…Now if you excuse me" Ron tried to make a quick getaway but the two girls surrounding him saw his intentions and grabbed him by the arms.

"Not so fast Ronald" one replied sadistically. "You're the reason ware listening to your NAG device in the first place."

"Noise-Autotype-Gramophone" he intoned under his breath fiercely.

"…So l think it's only fair that you should have to listen to it too. Don't you agree Fleur?"

Ron diverts all of his attention towards Fleur the look of pleading in his eyes.

"I agree" she said seriously but with a gleeful smirk in her eyes. "Besides, your the only boy zere zat knows 'ow to run zis silly NAG machine, no?"

"Noise-Autotype-Gramophone" Ron could only bristle silently at that but otherwise didn't argue at that particular point. He tried a different approach. "But what about Mum and Ginny?" he aid with a shutter. What if they heard?"

The three fleetingly looked around the living room at the still unconscious females surrounding them. To their chagrin, they still remained deeply asleep. It was a show of how drunk they really were to be still asleep despite the previous commotion and bickering couple. Notably Ginny, the future Potter-to-be was laying sprawled out on a floating camp bed by the door, hugging what looked like a large human-shaped doll with suspicious painted green eyes and black synthetic hair. Every time she hugged it tighter a loud squeaking noise would emanate out of it mouth.

Fleur and Hermione quickly looked at each other silently in non-verbal communication before facing Ron with looks of utter malice. "Zen eet serves you rig't for your lack of foresight."

"…Or do you want us to wake Mrs. Weasley or Ginny now perhaps? See what they think of your little plan."

Ron slumped in defeat. He had no choice.

"Don't say I didn't warn you" and with a press on the NAG device the crackling sounds of laughter, bar music and cluttering of glasses could be heard. In the forefront of this however, you could hear the slurred voice of Harry Potter.

_»«»«»«»_** [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_She's the love of my life George… Or is it Fred..? I can't tell... I think I'm seeing double."_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_She's my soul mate, see... A part of myself. The diamond the rough… My sunrise at dawn… My…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [STOP]**_ «»«»«»«_

Ron stopped the device and with the press of another button the green disk on its front began spinning faster, presumably skipping forward the events by a few minutes.

"Eet doesn't seem zat bad" replied Fleur.

"I agree" intoned Hermione wistfully. "A little corny, but he is being rather sweet."

Indeed from just a glimpse of the obvious ramblings of an intoxicated Harry seemed harmless in nature. _That sweet boy_ Fleur thought to herself. She was beginning to believe that Ronald in his own drunken state had simply over-exaggerated things more than a little.

"Just wait…" Ron replied rather ominously". You'll see what I'm getting at... Let's try... Now..."

He pressed the play button again.

_»«»«»«»_** [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Hey Ron..! Your my best friend, you know?" The unmistakable slurred speech of one Harry potter spoke out over the speaker. "You and me are like… You know..? This!" Harry shouted out there was a pause assumingly where Harry was making some form of gesture. _

"_And Bill!" Harry loudly proclaimed as if surprised to see him. "Were close too right mate. But let me tell you something..." He tried to wiper but sounding just as loud. "…Just between you and me... Your wife's hot!"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PAUSE]**_ «»«»«»«_

"Oh my!" Fleur blushed furiously; reconsidering her previous innocent thoughts on Harry's shivery.

"It's not over yet" Ron spoke, his cheeks equally flushed in either embarrassment or anger. "It's only just getting started…"

He continued to play.

_»«»«»«»_** [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

_"With Ginny I say the legs..!" Harry giggled "Oh yeah… Definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down… Her legs, and right where her legs... meet her back. Tha— actually, that whole area. That, and... And above it… The part where the lord splitter…. If you know…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

_"I remember when I first kissed Ginny… I had a rash."_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it... Have you ever been with a warrior woman?"_

_»«»«»«»_** [PAUSE]**_ «»«»«»«_

"Can we please stop now?" Ron pleaded after he stopped the device, the strain evident in his voice and reddened checks.

"NO!" the two girls both shouted.

_»«»«»«»_** [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Can I tell you about our matching tattoos..? you'll never guess where…" _

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_There's not one place on that woman I wouldn't put my tongue…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_I wasn't into to hairy woman before I met Ginny… But she brought me around on allot of things…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [PAUSE]**_ «»«»«»«_

"I think we need to remind Ginny to shave her legs before the Wedding night" Hermione replied offhandedly.

"I'm not sure if eet was 'er legs 'e was talking ab…" fleur began but was interrupted with a swift jab to her middle section. Looking indignity towards Hermione, she couldn't help but notice how the once reddish cheeks of Ron had turned from a bright red to green and how his nails were somehow digging into the metallic NAG device as he held it in a vice grip.

"…Never mind" she said.

_»«»«»«»_** [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_...I'm a leg man from way back. Cho Chang when I was 13 years old. First year I had hair down there if you know what I'm talking about…" _

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_I'm ambidextrous. Which really came in handy when I was 12-13…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_I'm not a big guy, but I'm lithe… I'm wiriery… and I'll surprise you… I can take you…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Warrior woman! Come on..! You know what I'm talking about…"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Your wearing a new aftershave are you..?"_

_»«»«»«»_** [FAST FORWARD] - [PLAY]**_ «»«»«»«_

"_Ok… So me, Ginny and Luna were down by the Otter River_ near_ Sandgate Lane… and for some reason… Merlin Knows why! Luna wanted to go skinny dipping. Knowing your sister, not wanting to be outmatched… and the next thing you know, the muggle Auror's had us in for..."_

_»«»«»«»_** [STOP]**_ «»«»«»«_

With a tremor Ron stops the device and slowly places it on the coffee table in front of him. "I think I've had quite enough of listening to that… how about you two?"

"I seconded it" Hermione intoned hoarsely as if she had just completed a marathon.

"Oui. I concur" agreed Fleur. "I 'theenk zat we 'erd more zan enough." _More than I ever needed to know, _she thought to herself.

"Bloody Hell…"

Meanwhile, Ron was now crouching down on the couch with his head between his legs. Hermione was rhythmically rubbing his back as in large circles, a deep look of distress on her face.

"Obliviate. Me. Now…" he moaned, within the comfort of his fetal position.

"As much as I hate to say this..."

"…But you'll say it anyway" interrupted a mumbling Ron still between his legs.

"Well… It serves you right. What else were you expecting?"

"I wasn't expecting that!" he moaned exasperated.

"Harry cannot take his liquor... That's for sure."

"Who would theenk" Fleur intermitted. "The Boy-Who-Lived... A lightweight."

"At least he's not a violent drunk" Hermione tried to interject humor but her bright cheeks gave her away.

"So where's Arry now. Surely you didn't just leave 'im zere at the mercy to your other brothers and my 'usband?"

"Of coarse not! I'm not a complete idiot" he berated indignity, is effectiveness lessoned with his head still between his lap. "We tried to gang up on him before I left... It didn't end up too well though…"

"You 'all' ganged up on him. RON! He's your best friend."

"I knew you'd overreact."

"Overreact!"

"Yes Hermione overreact. It's a guy, big-brother thing. How would you feel if a previously close family friend…"

"Previously?"

"…PREVIOUSLY close family friend was found sullying my sister's virtue? Mates don't do that Hermione. That's not done in my books. Not done at all. Now he's just that guy who bonked my sister."

"Whom Ron" corrected Hermione unthinkingly, "…whom bonked your sister. Whom."

"Not 'elping."

"Sorry."

"And stop being so hypocritical Ronald. They're getting married for goodness sake Ron. MARRIED!" she berated poking him in the ribs. "They've been together romantically longer than the two of us, does it matter what two consenting adults do in private? And besides. If it goes both ways, than if Harry knew just a 'quarter' of what the two of us get up to in our semi-relationship, he would probably skin you alive."

"Why would he?" Ron said dismissing her words. "You two aren't family. It isn't any of his business what we do."

Hermione's teeth started to clench in anger.

"Harry has been my best friend since I was eleven years old Ronald" Hermione sniped coolly. "He's as good as family. Closer in my opinion… And I'd imagine he'd kindly show you exactly why he's such a successful Auror if you so much as treated me with nothing less then the respect that any woman deserves…"

Ron blanched at that.

"…Well regardless, you're more or less right on that front anyway" he tried to veer away from that line of dialogue. "Apparently even when Harry's blind drunk, he doesn't take too kindly to being man-handled." Ron tenderly touched his chest. "I think he bruised my ribs; George has got a black eye and Percy has was hanging from the ceiling the last time I saw him...the bastard didn't even have a wand. Don't even ask me what happened to Charlie and Bill before Harry's Auror friends managed to split us apart… I think they were trying to protect 'us' truth be told… I managed to sneak out the back before more of Harry's flunkies caught us for drunk and disorderly... maybe damaging public property too…"

Fleur and Hermione looked at Ron with shock and horror.

"Is zat ze reason you turned up 'ere?" Fleur asked, her eyes burning. "You ran away like a fiend vile your brothers and my 'usband got throw to ze guillotine!" Fleur bristled furiously.

"What! No!" he defended. "I haven't got a clue why I'm here."

"…Are you trying to tell us zen" Fleur said with a hint of incredulity in her voice. "You trumped up 'ere… DRUNK..! At zis time in the morning and you 'ave no idea why you turned up?"

"I think the key word here is drunk Fleur" tried to interject but was instantly intimidated by the venom in Fleur's eyes.

"…Yes. That and plain Weasley stupidity" mumbled Hermione silently enough for only fleur to hear equally enraged.

"And vere is my Bill?" Fleur asked indignity.

"Probably at the ministry with the rest of them" Ron answered without hesitancy and without apparent desire for self-preservation. "Probably there till morning, once they sober. Or get bailed out. Whatever comes first."

"BAAIL..!"

Fleur's loud shrieks literally permeated off the walls, tousling a few of the house guests temporarily out of their drunken stupor until they quickly fell back to sleep. Ron felt as if he just eardrum's blown up which promptly reminded painfully him that not more than twenty minutes ago, he had just sobered up from an all night bender.

"Zis is insane... Absolutley 'orrid… My Bill. The father of my children… In jail, like some common criminal!"

Hermione rolled her eyes at her diatribe. Ron could only whimper. It seemed the more indignant Fleur became, the more her English broke.

"We must see to immediately that my 'usband is released" and without a moments notice, leaped off to the lounge and headed for her coat closet by the door.

"Fleur! What are you doing?"

What am I doing? What do you 'ink zat I'm doing? I'm going to get my 'usband... And the rest of 'em if I feel calm enough!" she conveyed the last sentence to herself.

"But... But what about the rest of us? What about the guests..? And the cleanup" Hermione continued to protest uninhibited as Fleur grabbed her cloak and headed towards the door, putting it on as she went.

"I don't 'ink 'ere is anymore we can do tonight I don't think" she said not looking down at the inebriated girls passed out on the floor nor the abundance of bottles nd confectionary lying scattered on the floor. "…As much as can be done anyway with everyone still asleep... I will see to zis…" with a wild gesture towards the mess "in the morning". She looked at the two as if an afterthought. "I suppose you both must stay tonight. Use the master bedroom. You already know the password Eermione."

"But Fleur we can't use your room".

"Nonsense!" she replied. "You 'ave been a great 'elp zis evening… Regardless your significant other" she followed with a sneer. "I will 'ave none of it... And besides. After tonight, I very much doubt my 'usband shall be entertaining my 'ospitality for the next few weeks, no? I imagine he shall be very acquainted with the settee by the time zis is all over and forgiven…"

And with that Fleur grabbed her purse by the doorway and exited her home without a second glance back.

_**To be continued…**_

**Authors Notes: **Most of the quotes from NAG, were taken from a bloopers reel of the Television series 'Firefly'. Alan Tudyk was the true comedic genius behind this scene. If you can find it, it is worth the effort to see.

Sorry for the late update, but life has been getting in the way. Just one small chapter left and its done. Thanks everyone for all the reviews and alerts.

_This chapter has not been BETA'd._

Please review.


	5. Chapter V

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.)**

_By Tom Kristal

* * *

_

**Standard Disclaimer: **See Chapter 1.

**Plot Summary:** Post DH – After a long night, Fleur and Hermione discover together with an unexpected intruder that sometimes: ignorance is bliss. [HP/GW R/HG FD/BW]

* * *

**Wizard Wheezes**** 'Noise-****Autotype-Gramophone' ****(N.A.G.): **Chapter V

_And with that Fleur grabbed her purse by the doorway and exited her home without a second glance back..._

oOoO (Hermione's P.O.V.) OoOo

Loud footsteps were heard followed by the loud slamming bang of the door being shut as Fleur exited shell cottage. Leaving the young couple alone on the couch, surrounded by unconscious women and the occasional piece of rubbish.

"Nutters that one."

"Ronald!"

"What? I'm only saying what where both thinking. Strutting off in the middle of the night."

"Sounds like someone I know."

"Who? What are you... Hey! That was just an accident… I think. I haven't a clue what I was thinking."

"Evidently" she replied back coolly but the weariness of the night had slowly worn down her resolve.

Letting things slide just this once she gave out a long sigh. "Well I guess if there's anyone capable of bailing anyone out this time of morning, an angry half-Veela on murderous rampage would sure do the trick."

They stood silently again on the couch for a few long moments listening to the soft snores and the bellowing waves outside wash over them. Distantly the soft cracking sound of apparition could be heard from the background, signifying that Fleur was now gone.

"Do you suppose she will get the rest out?" Ron asked.

"Not sure". Hermione shook her head in thought "Bill defiantly. Harry more than likely. I'm not sure about the rest of them… I suppose it depends on how calm Fleur is when she arrives".

"I suppose..."

Another silence.

"Your not mad at me are you?" Ron asked meekly.

Ron held his breath in morbid anticipation.

"Yes Ronald" Hermione said not looking at him. "I'm mad at you. Very mad. Furious at you even… I just found out you drugged our… my best friend since I was eleven. Your future brother in law in four days..."

"Two" the mumble words of Ginny Weasley mumble out from her cot not a few feet away before shortly falling back to sleep.

Startled, they stared at each other in fright. Slowly but surely the absurdity of it all began to settles in. The intruder. The party. Hearing a normally sober Harry, completely drunk. (N.A.G). It was all too much. Slowly, Hermione's lip started to slant. Ron's ears started to go red, trying to hold it in. Then Hermione started to silently giggle and the bubble burst. Together they laughed. And laughed and laughed. Even when they knew it wasn't funny. Even when they knew come tomorrow things was going to get ugly. Even when they find out that Ginny's virtue was in question. Or Ron tricking his best friend and leaving the entire male Weasley brood in deep trouble. It seemed ridiculous and juvenile, but at times like these what is the point of it all if you couldn't laugh.

Slowly, quieting down to a more somber chuckle Hermione finally sobered up shaking her and stood up taking Ron up with her by the arm.

"Come on Ronald. You heard Fleur. Its time for bed."

But… But wait!" he stuttered. "We can't sleep here!"

"And why not exactly?"

"Because look around! Both Ginny and mum are here" he exclaimed. "By tomorrow, this place is going to be ground zero. And I'm zero!"

"Serves you right Ronald. And don't even try to escape. The Floo and Portkey travel is out. Your still not well enough to apparate. By Merlin, it was a wonder you managed the jump as inebriated as you were are. And I'm simply too tired to apparate the both of us" she explained still holding on to his arm. "Let's just stay for the night and face the news in the morning..."

"But Ginny and…" Ron tried to protest by Hermione was having none of it.

"…And your mother will reprimand you severely for this I'm sure" she continued for him. "At the very least you will probably get the most leniencies, considering you admitted to it first" she lied.

"You think so?"

"Sure" she lied again.

"But where are we going to sleep? Surely not in Fleur's and Bill's bed, like she said."

"Where else are we to sleep? Here?"

"But… But that's their matrimonial bed. They do things on that bed Hermione. They probably conceived Vicki on it for Merlin's sake. I do not want to sleep on that."

"Don't be so immature Ronald. A bed is a bed, and were sleeping in it. Unless you want to sleep here with your mother and sister within choking distance."

Ron paused in his diatribe, instantly admitting defeat.

"On second thoughts… What's one good _Scourgify_ charm to ease my mind, eh?"

"I thought so" she replied smugly dragging him from the couch and down the hallway side-by-side.

"Hermione?" he said in the near silence.

"Yes Ronald."

"What do you think about skinny dipping?"

oOoO (Fleur's P.O.V.) OoOo

Stepping out of her doorway and onto the porch she slammed the door as loudly as she could; cursing her foresight in putting silencing charms on the door for such an occasion.

Embracing the calm yet chilly winds against her skin and allowing the rhythmic sounds of the sea nearby to calm her down somewhat. She stepped off her porch and down the windy pathway to her designated apparation point.

Alone and in the dark with only the winds and her darker thoughts she began to contemplate the occurrence of the past hour. In the span of one night she had been the hostess to a Hens party; had a potential intruder turn into a drunken brother-in-law; and found out that apparently her husband, future brother-in-law as well as all the men of her extended family were now in jail.

_Poor Harry_ she though to herself, thinking of that kind boy whom saved her sister so long ago. He had always treated her fairly and with kindness. Even when she herself thought that he was a cheat and a fiend.

_And poor Bill_ she thought with an eager grimace to the lashing and punishment he was going to fall upon him in the coming weeks.

"And damn George..! And Ronald!"

Stepping farther and farther down the cobber stone pathway and thinking of all the things she was going to do to them for ruining her imperfect evening, she couldn't help but chuckle a little. If not darkly as she now stepped through dry sands and reeds that besmirched her path.

If one thing had been gained this night is that she learned one, if not two very valuable lessons. One, which she would hold onto for years to come…

**1.** She would need to convince her sister-in-law to shave her... legs.

And more importantly…

**2.** _Her brothers-in-laws are idiots!_

_**Finite Incatartum.**_

**Authors Notes: **Well that's it. Done. I hope you all enjoyed this story. I began this little fiction a while ago when I stated doing night shifts. I was spending many hours sitting in dark hallways or in hospital rooms with nothing to do but wait for sun to rise. Fortunately, with a little imagination and my trusty PDA by my side, I was able to write 95% of this story in near complete darkness. That might explain a few things…

Also on a personal note I would like to dedicate this story to a fellow author on : _'TBooki'. _I have been writing on this site for several years and have been reading from other author's for even longer. Obsessed some may call it. Overall I probably have over a thousand (or a least several hundred) stories that I have alerted myself to for future updates. I would estimate that over half of these stories are incomplete and most probably will never be for whatever reason. And like most of us, if there ever was a good story left unfinished, I would often wonder the reasons why the author has left it incomplete. Well, in mid-February of this year, I got an answer from one. From an author named _'TBooki' _a story known as 'Missing' was updated on my email. It was a good, well-written story that hadn't been updated for so long that I had to refresh my memory to recall what it was all about. But this wasn't a new chapter. Apparently '_TBooki' _had been involved in a car accident several months prior and had tragically passed away. The author's brother decided to let everyone know. I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me. More than often, I have seen people wait so long for a story to update; we may jokingly mention that they are perhaps dead. And as it turned out on one occasion, they were right. But is a community of sorts. So I would like to dedicate this story to her, from one amateur writer to another.

Anyhow, thank you all for your kindly reviews. If you liked what I wrote, please see my other published work. ;)

~Tom


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